Life’s rich tapestry

I get next level anxiety to the point where I am shaking or chest pains. My mind is in overdrive and it won’t SHUT THE F#$K UP!

I have recently joined Crossfit classes, something I have always wanted to do. I am a worrier of all worriers, I signed up a few days it was about to start and couldn’t sleep or think because of it! The anxiety is too much for me to handle so I wasn’t going to go.

I see all the good looking fit people and then there is me, the lanky bean pole with no muscle mass with the hunch back of Notre Dame shadowing my body. I know we all start somewhere – which I tell myself but I feel retarded. Yes I have a lack of confidence obviously, I have even joined an all womens gym because I get sick of my anxiety. Even there I do have anxiety but its not as much because there are no men.

NO I AM NOT SEXIST.

I just don’t feel comfortable looking like a weakling or puffing like a train in the gym while there is some hotstuff looking at me! Mind over matter, yes it is all in my mind but for me I just can’t let it go or switch off. (I think Joey Swoll would have something to say about that)

Funny in my job it’s a piece of piss but anything out of my comfort zone I don’t want a bar of it. Human nature I guess but why does it have to be so hard!!

My first class of Crossfit, I even had a shot of Sambuca, yep you heard right to calm the nerves! Even did a video diary to express my feelings but nothing helped. I literally live around the corner, two minutes tops from the place so I have no excuses to not go!

Walking to the class, I nearly face planted into the ground because of my shaky legs, that would have been a sight for sore eyes, tragic Holly on her first day with grass stains on her tights… but no! I did the whole fake it til you make it, put my big girl tights on and went in there, class of 15 gorgeous people in there doing their thing. I stood there awkward asf silently trying to smile.

But I was very surprised with the atmosphere, they were very welcoming and said hello and smiled. Even a couple of guys came and talked to me which was refreshing.

Up North where I am from originally, I went to my very first Crossfit class and it really put me off by the atmosphere, no one talked to me, not welcoming at all, it was very antisocial. This was over 6 years ago now, it actually put me off ever joining something like that again.

But I am in my 30s now, losing muscle mass – they say 2 percent every year from 30 onwards freaks me out so thought I better do something about it.

I am pretty social, can talk to anyone but hate group talking, I guess like with most people with public speaking and being the weakest link in the group gives me the heebie jeebies. I know everyone is at their own competition and pace, that is where I need to keep my head at. Focusing on my own shit!

I guess the unknown of the known. I just need to grow some big women balls and just do it!

Yes Nike you are right “just do it!”